I basically was out of town for the last month, and that was nice, because I was basically nose-to-the-grindstone since last August, and not in the best shape the summer before that, so getting out and about and helping out, at the same time, was a good thing. But MAN, I don't want to leave mine own HOUSE for pretty much ANYTHING, right now. And it's HOT in here, at that!
In case anyone was wondering about the essential feature of my personhood, it's reflection. Ok and maybe looking at everything. Ok and also thinking pretty much everything is funny, often when I shouldn't. Ok and other stuff. But I've been more comparing lightly than reflecting, though it's still reflecting. Just thinking about how last summer I realized I needed to write for myself. And how teaching was my vocation. And how realizing, recently, that while teaching is definitely one of my ultimate passions, well, so is writing. But you know what else is? Being ok. And others being ok. I can't make everyone ok. I can't even always make myself ok. But I feel more ok now than I've felt in a long time.
A lot of it just has to do with stability. Not something I've ever actively craved, so to realize it might just be the key ingredient that I've been missing for awhile, well... well. I don't desire EPIC AMOUNTS of stability, I just want some baseline stuff. And that just hasn't been the... path?... of my life for the past ten years. On so many different levels. I'm not interested in blame or negativity. I'm just noting that that's what it's been: unstable. And I got to the point recently where it was the LAST THING I WANTED and it felt like it was the only thing I had. In other words: NOT A GOOD FEELING. Not a good mode. And I was sick of it. Am sick of it. My life doesn't suck. But instability can sure skew a person's perceptions. And keep the reflections juggling in perpetuity. BLEH. MEGA BLEH.
Working with what I got, because it's what I got. And as I said, my life doesn't suck. There are hard things, sure. Which is something I share with everybody. So I won't dismiss mine or others'. But at the same time, there's a kind of practical, honest... goodness? Dare I say that?... to that. Or if nothing else, knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with Life Stuff. Like change. Sickness. Loss. But hopefully good Life Stuff, too. I don't like to be alone, even when I'm alone (which, ahem, I like - that is, solitude is my jam).
Which just made me think of the song from Hook. And I remembered the lyrics. Sigh. :) Well. Yes. I have a thing with stars. Being stardust and all. Knowing we all are. It's not particularly mystical. But it's still somehow magical, knowing that this matter of mine, and the ones I love, are made of the same thing, and how vast and ancient that is, and how long it will possibly stretch out, and how we don't know where it all came from. I started this post talking about traveling. And then moving on to stability. And I could connect all of these things, in my digression into finite infinity... but I think I will just let that one be, and not reflect to much, and just smile. xoxo